The 19 stages of buying an item in Topshop.

It’s the end of the month, you’ve just been paid and, obviously, there’s no better way to spend your money than getting a new outfit for that big night out on Saturday. You head out to your nearest city and begin shopping with the usual shops in the back of your mind - River Island, Zara, H&M... After exhausting all your options and trying on that hideously, fluorescent orange skirt in Mango, you know you’ve always got that one shop to fall back on to.. Topshop. It’s got the biggest selection, the biggest variety and well, the most clothes in it so you just HAVE to find something in there. 

But any real shopper knows the problems with Topshop. Here's just some of them in the 19 mandatory stages of buying an item in Topshop..

1) You're ambling along the road seemingly happily, chatting along to your friends.. You attempt to engage in the conversation, offering simple yes or no answers whilst all the time, you are actually just scanning for the sight of Topshop.

2) When you do finally spot the big black and white letters, your heart flips and you audibly breath a sign of relief knowing that your shopping trip isn't going to be disastrous after all.

3) Your pace quickens as you approach the doors. You are suddenly aware of all the beautiful clothes in the store pondering the endless possbilities of outfit choice and increased fashion credibility.

4) You immediately break away from your friends. No time for idle talk about meeting places or timings. You're in Topshop and it's time to get serious.

5) You remind yourself calmly that you can only take 6 items in the changing rooms. It's difficult but you must ration your allowance and only pick the very best.

6) After completing the first lap, you begin the obligatory second walk-round. You've been round once but Topshop is just so big, you have to go round again and check you haven't missed the perfect outfit, a beautiful necklace, a quirky crop top..

7) Panic sets in as they don't have anything you like and you're worried you will have nothing to wear for the imminent night out. You become more frantic and increase your likability radius.

8) Panic forces you to turn to the overly indie section. You start thinking.. Indie. I can do indie. You begin visualising images of cool scrunchies and socks and jellies and your confidence in your choices increases. The possibility of starting a fashion blog even emerges. You grab anything and everything.

9) After queuing for half an hour for the changing rooms, you realise your indie decision was a massive mistake. What were you thinking?! You can't pull off a see-through poncho or the ridiculously crazy leggings. You remind yourself you are not Alexa Chung.

10) You revert back to normality and proceed with trying on your usual choices but falter when you realise nothing fits you. You check the label twice. Size 10? It says it's size 10! Panic sets in again as you realise you will have to call the shop assistants in front of everyone to ask for a bigger size. Yes, how embarrassing, a bigger size. 

11) As the shop assistant announces to the entire changing rooms that "no, you're 'bigger request' is out of stock", you insist the original size is fine and you "just wanted to try it for size". You return to squeezing yourself into the tiny garment explaining to all your confused friends that "it's just the heat" that's stopping the clearly 'too small' shorts from fitting you.

12) After trying on 30 pieces of clothing between you and your 5 friends, you're the only one to keep a piece. And of course it's the shorts that are too small.

13) You approach the till, hand over your item and attempt to act normal when the till displays an amount you clearly don't have in your bank account. You smile at the shop assistant and hand over your card like you have all the money in the world and your fashion sense is as good as hers.

14) The shop assistant is friendly and compliments your purchase. You momentarily day dream about the possibility of you being friends as she's so nice and pretty and has great clothes AND could get you discount. She hands over your bag and you snap back into the harsh reality of the actual world where you get no discount and you can't borrow her clothes.

15) You leave with your friends clinging on to the subsiding happiness of your purchase, all the time picturing your new shorts with various garments and shoes and convincing yourself how good you are going to look on that night out.

16) You get home, try on the shorts and realise they just don't fit. NO.. NO.. You try various tops, crops, vests, bralets and eventually you find something that makes the shorts look.. ok. Not great.. just ok.

17) You wear the shorts on a night out and all your friends comment on them.. "aw, they're the ones from Topshop!" You feel good and soon forget about how small they feel.

18) Several weeks later you try the shorts on again. You realise how ridiculously small they are and vow never to wear them again cursing Topshop for the wasted money.

19) You enter Topshop weeks later, spot the perfect dress and your previous heartbreak is forgotten. Immediately, your love is rekindled and Topshop re-enters your preferences as your favourite shop. 

Well.. until next time.